Lived Experience Forum

[Minerva]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and hope I articulate this in suitable way for the community.

I am seeking and welcome support or any recommendations around my own Trauma after successfully resuscitating my husband when I found him after his suicide attempt. 
This post is about me and the impact this had on me and how two years on I am still being sucked into a trauma spiral.

i have overcome my own feelings of “selfish” and also the comments made to me by crisis

lines that affirmed that I was being selfish and I needed to “stop being so self obsessed and look after my husband”.

I have an existing diagnosis of C-PTSD and had been for the most part on the path of a recovery journey that at one stage never thought possible.

Two years on, I am still having a Traumatic Freeze reaction when I go to the location of our home where I found him. Which is weird , as it was my immediate action that saved his life. However right now, this Freeze Reaction then is followed by Grief and often ADHD takes paralysis.

i feel lucky that I have identified the source of this Traumtic Freece/ADHD Task Paralysis cycle after two years as I am aware this can extend for decades.

I would be grateful for any support be it relatable, general suggestions around the trauma freeze/adhd task paralyse or any connect at all to be honest.

I acknowledge and am grateful that there are immediate supports available for those affected when the person does not survive.

it seems that for those who are “untrained first responders” with or without advanced life saving , there is little support, or at least I was unable to find any.

Initally I experienced emotional shock when I attempted to reach out to crisis support and seek help and was repeatedly turned away with the message of “selfish self obsessed” . If the message had of been along the lines of “find the grace to see something to be grateful for” it would have tapped into that skill set which this trauma seemed to have me forget all about.

i also had the added trauma, and this is something I feel I have had no outlet to share until now, of being refused access to see him while he was in ICU by his family members. This was during COVID when visitors were limited to 2, and had to be named the day before. His family, my in-laws , made the case that due to MY mental health until he woke up , and they ascertained that he wanted to see me, I was to be kept away from him.

This has had a devastating impact on me, as not only was I kept from my husband, the doctors went along with this. When he woke up he experienced shock that I  wasn’t at his side and thought I had left him.

the whole situation was an additional layer of stress that we really didn’t need.

We were kept apart for 6 nights while I waited for my daily phone call to see  if he had survived. 
when I was finally allowed see him, we experienced intervention from the medical team and advised to break up as “this is clearly the reason why”

it turns out that it was a medical change which was the instigating factor and yet my husband spend three weeks as an inpatient and was painted a picture of how my mental health was a big contributor and our relationship was unsafe and toxic.

😭😭while still being pumped full of medication to clear out the old medication to restart a new regime, my husband (he has no memory of this, or is blocking it out) accused me as being the reason .

This was and still is a trauma I feel deep in my body. Although he called me the next day and I told him why I was not at the hospital, and since that moment he has retracted that comment and , yes logically I can see that I am the first person he rang, etc 

however that really hit different , you know?

finally he made the decision to leave inpatient treatment as he overheard comments made to me around “just leave him and stop being selfish” were openly said to me by nursing staff.

this caused us to have to deal with questioning if our marriage was based on some sort of maladaptive dynamic….

I am still deeply impacted by all of the above

-financially: neither of us can work at the moment, his many attempts to return to work have had serious impacts.

-I have had a huge relapse of my trauma symptoms and for whatever reason am now now longer connected with the set of supports that I had in place eg social worker, planning for the future peer support etc

-we have lost the support of his family, and mine is overseas

at this stage, it feels like a cascade of events following the traumatic event- medical abandonment- marrital issues- financial stress- adhd paralysis …

this is my first attempt in in a year that I have began to actively seek help, and am open minded . Maybe I need to focus on PTSD style therapy? With some ADHD skills to deal with this overwhelm freeze? 

at the moment I am working on self care and reaching out here … taking each day as it comes and am grateful for support .

[defaultusername]

Hi @Minerva,

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us.

I'm very sorry that all of this has happened to both yourself and your husband... you have a lot happening and I can sense how intense these feelings are for you.

I'm sorry that some people that were meant to support you have only added to your trauma, that's the  last thing that you needed.

You seem to have a high level of self-awareness of what has happened/is happening to you (such as your trauma responses and the impacts) due to the trauma you have experienced, and you should see that as an absolute strength.

Here are some wonderful resources and support services that specialise in Complex PTSD, PTSD and Trauma as well as Suicide Postvention:

StandBy Support - A suicide postvention support service who help anyone impacted by suicide at any time in their life.

• https://standbysupport.com.au/ 

Phoenix Australia - Australia’s National Centre of Excellence in Post-traumatic Mental Health.

• https://www.phoenixaustralia.org/your-recovery/helping-yourself/ 
• https://www.phoenixaustralia.org/your-recovery/ 

Traumatic Stress Clinic - A leading research treatment clinic for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), that provide assessment and treatment via telehealth.

• http://www.traumaticstressclinic.com/treatment-2 
  
  

Blue Knot Foundation - the National Centre of Excellence for Complex Trauma.

• https://blueknot.org.au/survivors/finding-support/ 
• https://blueknot.org.au/survivors/survivor-workshops/ 
  
  

You have already made progress by identifying that you require support and by reaching out, which I hope you can see is also another strength.

I hope that you find the support that you're looking for and am looking forward to hearing from you.

Know that you're not alone,

defaultusername

[Minerva]

@defaultusername thank you so much for your reply. I am deeply appreciative of the practical support with the links to services and will check these out.

i also am grateful for how you validated as strengths, the resilience I have and am building with basis in  some of the learned skills that I have used . This is very helpful right now as it helps me remind myself that although this feels like a complete replapse, I am not indulging in wishful thinking when I also feel gratitude that I have a learned set of skills to help me navigate this and it provides hope that with some work on my part , I will be more resilient and learn more skills, and strengthen the gaps in my “relapse prevention plan”

thank you 

[defaultusername]

Ah lovely, I hope some of the resources and services will be of use to you, let me know how you go @Minerva.

I'm happy that you can see what you've been through as a series of strengths and new skills that you've acquired - not many people can do that, especially with what you have been and are going through... so you should be proud of yourself.

In regard to relapses, I like to remember that recovery is not linear and looks different for everyone. We all have relapses along the way, which some may see as setbacks, but they are merely more steps or lessons we can (hopefully) learn from on our pathway to recovery.

I love that you're feeling more empowered and resilient within yourself, and the fact that you're feeling grateful and hopeful is a beautiful thing.

The day I started to see my mental health challenges and past trauma as strengths was a big moment for me, helping me feel more in control of my life and hopeful for the future.

I think that it's wonderful that you have a relapse prevention plan in place.


Wishing you all the best,

defaultusername