Needing support

[Jynx]

@Gremlin24 yessss lean into the power of your breath, I hope it helps settle your system a bit. Distractions doing the trick today or is brain too foggy? 

Oh no what happened yesterday? Only if you wanna talk about it, sometimes I don't like rehashing stuff when it's too raw, stresses me out. 

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx i haven't been able to even colour much today cos my hands are sore, my whole body is aching and bruised. 

Content/trigger warning

I was sexually and physically abused, I tried to stand up from myself to stop it from happening which resulted in me being badly hurt. So it's my own fault

😞

[Jynx]

Oh my stars @Gremlin24 I am so, so sorry. That's horrendous, you did not deserve that = and it is NOT your fault!! It's okay if your brain doesn't quite believe me on that one yet, I imagine you could still be in a bit of shock and taking in information isn't exactly gonna be priority for your brain right now, but I promise you. The fault ALWAYS lies SOLELY with the perpetrator. Ach and now your system could be learning that standing up for yourself leads to hurt, that really sucks too. 

Today is just a recovery/surviving day then by the sounds of it. Aww if I could provide some physical presence and reassurance I so would!! And ice cream, and maybe some nice angry music... haha

Oh! In case you haven't heard of em, maybe check out CASA? Could be very worth getting in touch with, when you feel ready.

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx you would think i would be used to it by now, it's only been happening on and off for 16+ years. It's hard to believe that i don't deserve it when it just keeps happening and i can't get any help to stop it from happening. Everywhere i go I'm not listened to, I'm just pushed away, told to contact a different service, told that it's to complicated and that noone can do anything. 

I just don't know what to even feel right now, my brain is complete mush. I've just lost all hope at the moment, I've lost the fight right now. 

[Jynx]

Don't think it's something anyone could or should 'get used to' @Gremlin24 I would be much more concerned if you were tbh. But I can absolutely see how there might be part of you that wishes it were true hey, so it would stop hurting so much. And I'm sorry that you've felt so pushed out and unsupported by so many. 

Mush-brain unsurprising! One foot in front of the other/just get through the next ten seconds kinda day hey. Got some art you could pour your feelings into? Or not even art, even just like, something creative or destructive... I like writing out my thoughts then shredding or burning them for instance. 

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx i just can't do anything, I'm about to have a full blown sensory meltdown cos every little thing is just too much. Every noise is making me cringe, even just the sound of a piece of paper moving or the click of a pen lid, I can't handle anything touching me, i haven't even been able to shower cos the thought of water touching my skin is too much for me to even think about. I really wish I could just be locked up somewhere safe right now cos i hate feeling like this, like at any moment I'm just going to snap and lose it.

[Jynx]

@Gremlin24 ohhhh I hate that state of being, the 'everything is A LOT and it won't stop and now even my socks feel like sandpaper' kinda brainstate. It will definitely pass eventually, but in the meantime breathing exercises/grounding/even some guided imagery can help, you know like some ASMR video with someone super soothing talking about lovely things....

Is heading into ED or calling your local CATT an option you can consider? 

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx i just can't handle anything. I'm talking to lifeline at the moment as I just almost acted on my thoughts and I still really want to. This is all just too much for me. I'm sorry. 

[Jynx]

I'm hearing you dear @Gremlin24, I'm glad you've gotten onto LL and hope the call is what you need it to be. I'll let you focus on that and on keeping safe, but I'm still here if you wanna chat afterwards 💜

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx thankfully I have gotten someone understanding. I'm really trying to avoid hospital if I can.