Needing support

[Gremlin24]

Trigger warning 

So after having so many bad experiences with a crisis service I reached out today as a last ditch effort as i was about to act on my thoughts.

I've spent the last 2 hours talking to one person who actually listened to everything I had to say and how i was feeling and who supported me the entire time. This I needed today, when I felt so close to the edge even throughout the chat when I was so close to acting on my thoughts, this person stayed with me and just listened and made me see things in a different way.

This person went above and beyond to support me any way they could, they kept me talking even when I wanted to just end the chat and so badly wanted to end it all. They searched for services to help me knowing that I've reached out to so many and been rejected and let down but they found some that I haven't tried so maybe there's support through some of those when I can make contact. 

I know I'm by no means out of danger right now with the way my thoughts have been but it's that tiny glimmer of hope, that tiny flicker of light in the darkness that I'm trying so hard to cling to, to hopefully get me through this. 

Right now I'm an emotional wreck and my brain just feels like complete mush. Today I need TLC except I'm not so good at showing myself any compassion or kindness. I'm open to any ideas on how I can learn to do this, how can I change my thinking and train myself to accept myself and show myself some love. The trauma part of me just straight away goes into defence mode and then the fight and flight mode kicks in. I want to be able to show myself some kindness cos deep down there's a part of me that knows I don't deserve to hurt this much. Years of trauma and abuse has made it impossible to love myself so much so that I feel physically sick when I see myself in a mirror. 

I need words of wisdom, I need advice, I need strength, I need support, I need love and compassion. But most of all I need to know how to accept myself.

@MJG017 @Ru-bee @Oaktree @tyme @Jynx @rav3n @Arbie_wun @avant-garde 

[tyme]

Awwww. I'm so glad to hear they were so supportive @Gremlin24 .  You deserve the reprieve. I'm sorry to hear it has been so hard for you. I wish it be lighter.

One with with crisis lines, each time you try, you get a different person (usually). So just keep trying.

We are here for you and know that this place you are in is not uncommon. I have been in that place before too. And by golly gosh, it was hard.

You deserve all the love, care and support you can get.

Hugs

[Arbie_wun]

@Gremlin24 I know exactly how tough it can be my friend, there are days where I feel like I am not worthy or good enough.  I even have times where I hate myself because I know the bad things inside me and they have hurt people which isn't what I am about.

I try to find things to take my mind away from those thoughts.  I tend to play a strategic computer game like Civilization or Age of Empires because if I don't focus on the game I get attacked and weakened and then they win.  I don't like to lose so I work hard at making it right!

[Gremlin24]

@Arbie_wun i was thinking about you and crying while I wrote this post. Mainly cos I hated myself cos I made you feel like you weren't doing enough. Then I thought about how you talked about having that monster inside and I think that's the part of me that came out earlier and I don't like it one bit. 

You are amazing and you have truly helped me through all of this so I'm sorry for how I treated you earlier. 

[Gremlin24]

@tyme it was nice to actually get someone that cared and didn't just leave the conversation at the first "I'm so close to the edge of ending it all right now" comment. Instead they acknowledged how i was feeling and took the time to understand what was happening to make me feel that way. 

It's definitely hard going through this and not something i would wish upon anyone. That's what makes this space here so important cos most of us have been there and been through this so we know all to well the hard battles that we have to fight to get through. 

Thankyou ❤️ 

[Arbie_wun]

@Gremlin24 please don't cry because of my words.  I know that I am doing all that I can, it's just there are times I feel in myself I need to do more.  To make up for the bad I have done to others and that is something I need to deal with in my time and my way unfortunately.

I am sorry for upsetting you my friend, you are doing so well with the darkness that you are fighting, and I didn't mean to make you feel like that.  I am proud of the work and battles you have done and the fight you are taking head on.  Keep up the good work and don't let the darkness win.

[Gremlin24]

@Arbie_wun i didn't cry cos of your words, it was how I treated you that upset me. The fact that you are struggling so much yourself but yet you take the time to sit and support me shows how much of a kind and caring person you are. 

Please don't think that you upset me cos you didn't, it's me that feels like i upset you. Keep being you, the you that's supportive, kind, caring and shows so much compassion to others. ❤️

[Arbie_wun]

@Gremlin24 thanks, and I know it can be tough to accept help too as there are times myself when I think I can deal with things on my own.  I know that really that is the worst way to be because when I do that, I end up causing myself more trouble and pain.

It is easier to reach out and a good friend once told me, if you lift the weight with a friend, it's not so heavy.  Meaning that if you share your problems among your friends that burden becomes less.  It took me a little too long to fully appreciate those words and I was dumb for not doing so sooner.

[Till23]

@Gremlin24 

I’m sorry to hear that you were in a situation where you needed to reach out to a crisis line. 
However I am glad to hear that you had a positive experience. I hope that gives you confidence to reach out again, should you ever have the need.

I’ve only contacted lines a few times and have had some not so good and some good experiences. Fortunately I’ve never had a negative experience.

I’ve found these forums to be helpful and you personally have helped me recently. You were able to show me compassion. Compassion I hope you will be able to show yourself.

I’m glad that you recognise what you need because it’s something to work towards, it gives you direction.

I also have trauma background and have difficulty/inability to have compassion and acceptance for myself. So I can understand how a person can feel that way. However in your post you say you already know that you deserve better than you currently feel, so that’s a big step you already recognise. So you have good self-preservation skills.

I hope you can build on these skills and with support from the forum and wherever other supports you can move forward, because you definitely deserve it.

[Gremlin24]

@Till23 it's really just gotten to a really scary and dangerous point and I know all too well where it's headed. I'm trying to stop things from happening but at the end of the day it's a very fine line. 

I'm glad i was able to offer you some support, I'm usually great at showing compassion to others just not myself. 

It's still going to be a very long and bumpy road and it's one that i still have doubts if I can make it through. But I'm going to give it my best shot and I'm hoping that having the support from people here will also help to get me through. 

Thankyou for your kind words 😊