Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jo]

Walking in nature is good for the soul.  ❤️

[Hobbit]

Hi MrsC,

Thought I would send a quick note to see how you are doing?

Hobbit.

[Former-Member]

Hi not much communication with himself, just a few txts telling him I'm giving him space & here for him, still no psych assessment but he's turning up weekly to psychologist which is great, we have a joint appointment on 9th. Thanks for thinking of me! Love to all! I'm so lucky to have a roof over my head & food on the table. #grateful

[Hobbit]

That's beautiful MrsC, in the face of everything, you find things to be thankful for.

That shows to me what a wonderful person you must really be.

It really reflects that saying "there is hope". 

Thank you!!

Hobbit.

[Former-Member]

Horrible day...

Went to hubbys office (not ideal but he has his own office so the door can be shut), I haven't seen him for 3 weeks & all I'm getting is a txt a week, i'm sending one every other day with high emotional content a la counsellor. Still won't tell me where he is staying. Has now been out of the house over 4 months.

Dropped by unnanounced to return his wedding ring I had fixed for him, we were in the middle of what I thought was an ok conversation when I mentioned & repeated  how important it is for him to  have the right diagnosis & the right meds to begin his journey (still has no psych assessment - I mentioned we might be able to go to another GP reggistered with BB & get referral signed) & he went off. If we had been at home in  old habits he  would have walked out the door & I wouldn't have known when he was coming back. He tried to shut me down by asking me to  leave- i said i wouldn't go until he was calm & speaking  to me nicely. In the course of the argument he left the office, returning after less than a minute, threw his wedding ring at me & stuck his fingers in his ears.

The whole time I kept doing the 3 part sentences, what he did, how it made me feel & what I wanted. I think he was frustrated because he couldn't shut me down as usual. Eventually he clamed & walked me to the lift & was furious when I kissed him on the lips in front of secretaries.

He says he blames me for his depression - I have no idea how to respond to this - the worst I have ever done is withdraw from unacceptable  behaviour & call him on that behaviour. I have no idea what I have done to deserve being treated this way, he seems to be re writing history & saying I bullied him! his profession means he thinks & speaks "on his feet" & basicaly no one would argue with him, never mind bully him.

Joint counselling on Thurs I hope he turns up

[Eagle]

Hi @Former-Member 

Sorry to hear about your terrible experience today.

You don't deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like you did a good job at standing up to him, but he continually tried to 'one up you' by doing horrible things like throwing his ring at you. That's just my perspective. It might not have been a concious thing on his behalf.. I'm not sure.

I have seen other people around the forums talk about trying to remove the person from the illness and try and think as if it's the illness talking, not your husband. There is a point though where you have to draw a line and look after yourself.

We're all here to support you, so I hope you keep coming back and keep us updated. I think I've also seen you around posting elsewhere, so I'm glad you're getting involved in other areas.

Above all, I just wanted to say, please don't take it personally, or in any way feel this is a reflection of you. I don't think you have... It seems you have got some good perspective that it's your husband's illness, not you - but regardless... I just wanted to say that.

Take care

[Former-Member]

Thanks for grounding me tonight - I didn't separate the two & thanks for reminding me to do that. Yes I'm around getting any tips I can to get my beautiful man home & healthy so asking lots of questions.

[Jo]

Yes, I agree with everything Eagle has said. It's a nightmare for you but please try to keep reminding yourself that it's the illness talking and behaving, not the man you originally married. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour but if you can keep remiinding yourself of this, it may help a little. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  ❤️

[Alessandra1992]

Hi Mrs C, I am wondering if you listen to what he is saying, it might be beneficial to your own wellbeing to keep your distance. Regardless of his illness, he is requesting space and I think although it is painful, and you nay feel rejected and neglected, this may actually be part of his return to health.
I am not meaning to be harsh, or unkind, but I don't think going to his workspace was a positive step. In fact, it will drive the wedge between you further.
Please think carefully about what you are trying to achieve, counselling is appropriate for both of you as individuals and as a couple. He may choose to not participate, you may not like his decision making processes but you can't force him to be with you with eithwrt. You can't actually change another person, we can only change ourselves.
From what you gave posted you love your husband dearly. But love is freely given and grounded in mutual respect and positive regard for each other. Dont give him reason to be resentful and demanding. Otherwise, your behaviour could be seen as bossy, etc.
Change is painful but permanently rewarding, be kind to yourself and think about keeping your distance..

[PeppiPatty]

Hi all,
what good helpful comments."........

Mrs C. Only you know what is right for you. When I chose to leave my absolutely darling ex husband.... Who I think of every day....it was when I exhausted every avenue. I had even written to the heads of Mental Health and Premier fighting for carers/ loved ones to be heard while trying to access right help in hospital. My file of letters and other correspondence was full. ( I like slow mail.....)

What helped me may help you. I googled stories how did others deal with this situation. What I found was that Certain other people in other countries / states / cities are very clever in how they cope.
It may be the illness it is best to remember that but every day I am reminded of the most important is taking care of your self.
Suggestions are :
Turn that monologue into a dialogue. I mean
write your story in the third person.
Be open to distancing yourself from the situation and creatively explore it in a different way..
..for instance, sending flowers to a friend who has been there for you.
This is an example of turning your story into a more.....shared one.
Waking up and taking your time to properly wake up. At my age....not old but middle I've found a lot of good in making sure to have a nice cuppa when I wake up.
Not eating heavy after a certain time at night....but I'm prone to bowl of ice cream. ......oops