Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Alessandra1992]

JA47..spot on...so important to look after ourselves as best we can, and to try not be emotional reactions in our roles..really really hard when you want connection with the person you care for and they are unable to reciprocate...

[Former-Member]

Thank you all, I am giving him space, perfectly happy for him to beagle off, go to man cave/not let me see him when hes not at his best - if we were set up for that I wouldn't have to bother him, but we are not (I can't even pay a household bill without him). The only things i have asked for so far is that he wears his wedding ring & no longer sees other women alone. Neither of those will be hindering his recovery. He currently views predictable things ( quarterly household bills), and things agreed to in front of a therapist (wedding ring & not seeing other women alone) as demands.

[Alessandra1992]

Hey Mrs C, it sounds as though he came to your joint counselling session! That is fantastic progress because he is agreeing to not seeing other women alone and to keep wearing his wedding ring.
With regard to financial support, has he set up direct debits for your family or would you be able to get some of his salary paid into your own account?
Many utility companies are actually open to flexibility around payments etc, but you need to contact them so you can keep them in the loop.
Does anyone else have ideas around navigating income flow in situations like this?
Main breadwinner out of home?

[Former-Member]

Sandy - He said he was sick & didn't turn up, turned off his phone after the txt. I doubt hes wearing his ring & hes spending time alone with at least one woman. i don't have access to pay bills so I have to continually ask for the money & he growls at me for asking & says i'm being demanding. i have asked him to set money aside so I don't need to ask but hes' refused - i give him a spreadsheet with all the bills on every january

[Alessandra1992]

That's a tough situation to be in Mrs C. Sounds as though a starting point might be to open a bank account in your own name, then can you call Centerlink and find out if you would be eligible for any emergency payments?
And call the utility companies and ask for extensions of bill payment dates..
Perhaps others have some ideas to help Mrs C?

[Former-Member]

Sorry Sandy I'm not being clear. We/he has the money for the bills but I don't have access to it so I have to ask & it causes him to believe i'm being demanding & I get into trouble.

[Alessandra1992]

Hmmm well no time like the present to have an action plan as zz suggests.
This is in fact financial abuse or something similar as if you don't have access then how the heck can you pay bills, manage budgets etc..I would strongly recommend you call his psychologist as what is the backup plan if he became unavailable due to an accident or I'll health?
Do you not gave a joint account? You can get a second ATM card for his account if setting up new account way too tricky with direct debits etc. He will have to sign a form for the bank but it doesn't make sense fo you not to have access. Or web banking.
He is not being reasonable as such. Perhaps you prefer to let him manage finances, fair enough but in situations like this you need to either get him to transfer funds across to yr account or, sit together and pay bills online together.
In the meantime have you contacted any of the businesses you may need extensions of bill due dates like utilities, insurance, car rego, rates etc?
Good luck..

[Former-Member]

Thanks Sandy - have been asking for some time for us to do finances weekly, no response,have a 2nd card but no money is kept in the account & its usually maxed out. I have in the past got ahead with some of the bills & tried to keep us a bill ahead, food money to call on but thats all gone now. I have in the past said one of us manages this just tell me who & it came back to me, that's when I was given the card. I think I've said I do a spreadsheet every January so it would be easy to put something away weekly.Hes gets paid per job & says this is not an option. He didn't turn up to our joint counselling so our counselor will be having a word that he either turns up or she can't see one of us any more. The goal of therapy was reconciliation to start off with - we need a check in to see what he currently wants - in the meantime I've now been under acute stress for over 4 months. It would be nice to know what we are aiming for.

[Jo]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It seems like such an imppossible situation to be in. No wonder you are stressed. When I have find myself in such extreme situations I keep reminding myself of the old adage, 'The prelude to a miracle is an impossible situation.'  Sometimes, for things to take a turn for the better, the situation has to hit absolute rock bottom which is not a good thing to experience but often after this happens, things suddenly change for the better. Hold on to that thought if you can.  Hoping and praying you get your miracle very soon.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your kind words Jo, I'm crossing everything! In the meantime I'm super lucky to have a roof over my head & food on the table - too many out there who don't even have that. I too feel that 'something' will happen 🙂