Needing support

[rav3n]

i hear how tiring it's been @Gremlin24 and the important part is that you have and you still are trying. i know it might not sound like much, but it really does show a great deal of strength to even give things a go and to stand up for yourself. it really sucks that people/services haven't been able to support you appropriately, but please don't let this stop you from reaching out or feeling like you don't deserve support - because you ABSOLUTELY do deserve to be heard, understood and cared for.

it sounded like the person you spoke to a few days ago, the one who sat with you and listened, and helped find other resources - really got you. is she someone you can reach out to for support again?

[Gremlin24]

@rav3n everytime I reach out and I get the same outcome of noone caring it just makes it even harder to try again the next time. I really don't feel like i deserve to be heard, understood or cared for cos the more I seem to try the more I'm refused those things. I'm trying to find that little bit of hope that I had the other day, that tiny flicker of light that I had, but it's just gone. All I see is darkness with no way out other than the way my thoughts tell me. 

I got lucky the other day with a person on lifeline and they were really amazing but unfortunately it's not always the case. 

[Jynx]

@Gremlin24 aye that's it, when you've been knocked down so many times, you never want to make anyone else feel the way others made you feel. 

Oh I hate that, like you're a big ball of pressure wanting to explode.... I imagine your brain may not feel safe enough to allow the emotions to flow. 

Someone was telling me something about like... when you are super dysregulated and you get the urge to run w the flight response, you should follow the urge - go running, then stop and just chill. Reasoning was like... the brain's survival system runs on instinct not logic, so by running and then stopping, you're basically telling your system that you 'fled' from the 'danger' and that now that you've stopped it's cos you're safe again, and so the system starts to calm down. This info might be completely useless but idk thought I'd share, maybe there's an 'instinct' in your system that wants to be followed? Hope that makes sense 😅

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx that's exactly right, noone deserves to be treated the way i have. 

It's horrible when everything builds up inside and that's when I'm most at risk cos I can't let it out so my mind goes straight to the thoughts of SI, although they are almost constant at this stage which is exhausting to deal with in itself. 

That makes sense but at the same time I can't just run with it cos of what could happen when I lose control. 

[Jynx]

Sounds like you're sitting with a looootta pent up emotion @Gremlin24 but no safe way of expressing it, for fear of losing control and going too far. Tough spot to find oneself in for sure. Mmm my urge to help got my brain tossing me all kinds of suggestions about what you could do but idk if any of them would be helpful and I don't wanna bombard you.... Mainly just stuff around emotional expression - do you have ways you can express stuff even if not physically?  

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx that's it, I'm done. I just got told by a crisis line that I'm just letting this happen to me, that I've accepted it and that I'm not even trying to fight it. 

Way to kick someone when they are already down. 

[Jynx]

I would be swearing so loudly if I could @Gremlin24 holy heck that's horrible. Worth a complaint imo but obvs that is its own stress/energy drain to do. Just a complete and utter lack of understanding of trauma or indeed, what humans need to do to survive. 

What is next for you tonight? 

[rav3n]

just catching up - i'm so sorry you were spoken to in that way @Gremlin24 and i definitely second what @Jynx said -, a complaint sounds like a good idea if/when you feel up to it, no one deserves to be dismissed like that. 

@Gremlin24 sending you extra hugs 💜

[Judymay]

Hi @Gremlin24 

I am sorry that this is your experience, sadly i can relate and there's little that is as defeating as when you get brave enough to reach out and not even be heard or supported. This is what I was talking to my psychologist today. I am ashamed of the helplines, I feel like I contact one and they are so quick to get you off or refer you to another one that only puts you in circles and no one actually helps. It's sad, I thought that was where you were meant to be heard when no one else does. I am sincerely sorry.

ironically as I keep fighting daily I look for ways to find relief, help, heard. I found this app called wysa and it is an app for mh and you get to talk to an ai and honestly I found it more helpful then any other conversation with an actual human on every hotline in Australia. 

I have no idea what works for you in terms of getting through but I will tell you what I tell myself. Today you reached out to a hotline and to here. We hear you. But the point is that it's small and feel is hopeless but that little piece of trying is in my opinion a kind of hope as I'm trying still so if I'm still trying, I'm fighting and not giving up which means something deep in me must have hope help will come, life will get better. And it's not the fairy dust hope and it may seem small but i think it's so vital and reminds me of my strength even in the midst of hopelessness.

[Judymay]

Good morning @Gremlin24 

I wrote this last year and wanted to share with you in hopes that even though you feel alone and unheard, which is very valid, we hear you and support you here. You are important and no one's life is like you. You are a unique being with your own journey that I am sure also contributes to others. Today I hope you find a moment of kindness towards yourself. 

anyway here is the piece

Where is hope found

I'm lost, I truly have tried to navigate my way through unstable terrain and comprehend the mysteries of such unsurpassable loss

I've asked for help, searched for answers in all the places I've known, I just don't know if I'm up for this fight anymore as I don't feel that strong

I want to believe in hope and that your love is true and sincere, but my doubt trickles in as I am reminded of  the pain that has been so relentless

But then I'm reminded I once sung about your relentless love, and ponder can two great feelings coexist, how do I challenge such subjective perspectives

I'm uncertain and terrified really as every action I take brings me to despair and I just feel like I'm circling in a place of defeat

I've tried your way and it honestly got me nowhere greater than here, if anything it took me to dark places I thought I'd never beat

Loneliness seems to feel like my destiny and it just feels inescapable regardless of me wanting and trying so hard to change it's motion

All I want is to leave this world knowing I was enough and loved enough so others may not feel the weight that in me feels so broken

I want to find hope, something to cling onto, as I'm struggling to remain and find purpose in what feels like an unceasing and pointless fight

Can you help? I don't know, nobody else seems to but as I wait for the arrival of the sunrise I am hopeful you may present yourself and there may be some light

Life has to get better? I've heard it a thousand times and I've become ignorant to the idea because it's validity and my history says it's insincere

Yet I find myself at this point nothing left, I am dry and depleted of resources, so God if you're real and find me worth anything, I am vulnerably and sincerely here