Needing support

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx  this is from my calendar today. I needed to read this right now.  I've finished my chat with lifeline for now. I'm having a panic attack at the moment and I can't keep still so I'm just pacing my house. Thought about watering my garden but not sure if i can face the outside world. 

 

[Jynx]

Oh it's beautiful @Gremlin24 I saved that one!! Might have to print it out my own self. 

Aye, sometimes I will put my little exercise counter on on my smart watch when I'm pacing.... might as well right? It's like, hey even if I'm stressed to heck, maybe I'll be able to squeeze some dopamine out of it when it goes 'PING you reached your daily goal' 😅

Maybe you could just go open the front door, take a step outside and see how you feel? I imagine being in the garden would be helpful, our brains like greenery. They like safety moreso of course lol but idk maybe some grass between the toes could be grounding 😚

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx I've already done steps today 😂 [edited by moderator] And I've already reached my weekly goal cos of my heart rate sitting at 140bpm for most of the day. 

I stood at my front door and freaked out so nope I'm not facing the outside world today 😂.

[Gremlin24]

TW: sexual and/or physical abuse

@Jynx well I went outside and it was a big mistake 😞. Of course one of the people that does this to me drove past and took advantage of the opportunity. I don't know whether to even bother calling police again, I don't feel it's even worth it cos they just don't care. 

[Jynx]

@Gremlin24 oh gosh I'm so sorry hun I didn't know that was a possibility or I wouldn't have suggested it!! That's so rough, sent right back to the crisis-zone in your system I imagine. Aye it sounds like calling police is its own distress too, tough decision. I'm here with you, not sure what I can do to help but I'm sitting with ya 💜

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx it's OK, you didn't know. It's always a risk for me unfortunately. And yep I'm right back to where I started if not worse. I'm about to throw myself into bed to just breakdown 😭. 

[Jynx]

TY for saying @Gremlin24, means a lot. Just as a side note, I wanted to say I really admire your compassion, it's a great quality that you demonstrate in spades. 

Anyway, honestly a bedtime breakdown sounds like it might be needed hey, purge some of the emotional energy outta the system. Never a fun time but it might help. 

[rav3n]

gosh i'm so sorry to hear that this happened @Gremlin24 you don't deserve to be treated in that way, and it really sucks that perpetrators like that exist so close to you. i wish i could do more to help as well but know that you're not alone here. we're here right with you 💗

[Gremlin24]

@rav3n i hate having to go through this time and time again. I hate that noone can or will help, I've tried to make it stop happening, I've been trying to stand up for myself but it only ends up worse for me. I just can't do it myself but not one of the people or places that I've reached out to will help me to stop it. 

Thankyou, I'm so grateful to have this community here cos right now it means everything to me. 

[Gremlin24]

@Jynx i always try to show compassion to others as it's something I've been so very deprived of and yet it's something that as humans we need the most.  

The worst part is that I'm numb, I can't cry, like it's all built up inside but I can't let it out.