Lived Experience Forum

[Meowmy]

@Judi9877 happy birthday,sweetheart.Thank you for the entry.Big congratulations on your significant progress.So proud of you. You have done remarkable on very difficult areas of mental strength. I am sure you will continue to progress and get stronger and eventually achieve what you want. Take care. Well done.

[TAB]

..take it Easy @Judi9877 😅 Hope it All goes okay 😸

[maddison]

Love the personal insights @Judi9877 you are doing so well! Keep going. You're Amazing.

Happy Birthday! 

[Eve7]

Happy Birthday @Judi9877 💚💛🎂💛💚

[Meowmy]

@Judi9877 hey Jude,hope you're okay. Take care

[Snowie]

Happy Birthday for yesterday @Judi9877 

I hope you had a nice day

[Judi9877]

Hi @Snowie @Meowmy @Eve7 @maddison @TAB @Shaz51 @Oaktree @hanami @Sirius @TuxedoCat @Paperdaisy @OscarJones @Daisydreamer @MDT @Appleblossom @outlander @SmilingGecko and all forumites joining me in the jungle today. Welcome and thank you. 

I’m feeling a little down, lost, confused, sad, depressed and out of sorts so the jungle isn’t a very nice place to be for me right now unfortunately to say. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 20 years of my life studying at Tafe and uni and not achieving very much in my life except for a useless Arts degree that I can’t use as it’s 15 years old and I’ve forgotten the stuff I learnt. I saw on Facebook last night that an old uni friend has purchased a house worth over $900,000 and while they’ve worked hard for it and have had full time employment which I’m happy for, I feel that I’ve achieved nothing in my life and that’s partly because of all of the issues I’ve had with my mental health. I struggle to settle down and complete things like courses as I see myself as self sabotaging myself when it gets to the end of things. It’s like I’m scared of things ending and I dislike that within myself. I can knit blankets and be very creative with them for charity and I enjoy this and in some ways, I’d love to run a knitting group with people such as older people who share my passion. There’s an opportunity for me to volunteer at an aged care home which I keep on putting off because I’m scared I’m not good enough. I’d also like to get a job but as I haven’t worked in such a long time thanks to my mental illnesses creating major issues except for the election jobs in the last 2 federal elections, I feel that I don’t know what I’d be good at except for doing things like washing and drying dishes and cleaning tables because that’s all I see myself as being capable of. I feel useless and have low self esteem and low self confidence in myself and that’s affecting my general outlook towards my life and employment options. I don’t know what I’d be good at in terms of work and feel that I may need to take a skills test to see what things show up.

I contacted an employment agency today and because I’m going away in 2 weeks, it’s been decided to put off any dealings with them until I return from my holiday which is fair enough. That’ll be in mid September so maybe things will change for me and I might have an idea of what I want. I would like to work with helping people but not as a personal care attendant and do enjoy talking and listening to people as well. I’m creative in that I like knitting and crochet and can create blankets, scarves, beanies and a jumper at a stretch and I like colours as well. I’m not good at selling things so unless people know what they want, that’s not an option for me. I know I’ve got some employable skills thanks to my role as a Community Guide here on the forums and I know I can communicate in many different ways which is a positive sign I guess. It’s just a matter of finding a job that I can do 2 - 3 days per week that doesn’t cause me anxiety and which I can be good at. I just have to find an employer who is willing to give me a chance and I’m hoping that an employment agency will be able to help me achieve this. 

I don’t know. I guess I’m just at a loss personally right now and am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I haven’t heard anything more from my case manager or the fill in case manager that is taking over from her for 2 weeks and it’s been 3 weeks tomorrow since I’ve been out of hospital. I think that could also have been having an impact on me as I know I’ve been sleeping/ resting/ hibernating a bit more since I’ve been home from hospital as I feel safe in my room. I have been knitting a blanket for charity which I got the main section of an adult blanket completed yesterday with only the border strips to knit which is an achievement in itself and I should be happy with that which I am but it’s hard to feel positive when I feel like it’s nothing special in comparison to being employed and buying a house. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now and it’s causing me issues mentally. I’m just trying to keep on putting 1 foot in front of the other, keep on swimming and doing the next right thing as Anna says in the Frozen 2 movie. I just have to take things slowly and accept that right now, I’m not in a good headspace and the jungle isn’t a great place to be, knowing full well that it’s only temporary and that things will eventually change and improve.

I’m leaving this here and going to order some lunch. Thanks so much for reading this entry of mine. I’m sorry that it’s not all positive and happy and I’d like to apologise if I’ve upset anyone. 

Thanks.

Judi9877

[Eve7]

Hey @Judi9877  thanks for being brave enough to share your thoughts here with us today.

You have achieved a lot in your life including your arts degree. You’re an intelligent, capable, kindhearted person.

Near where I live there’s a suburb filled with multimillion dollar megamansions. I used to drive visitors around and sometimes we’d go into “open homes” with 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms and 15 car garages with lifts, pools, yachts, tennis courts etc but never once have I seen anyone actually “living” there. No one plays tennis, swims in pools or weeds their garden!! It’s bizarre and lacking real people.

I know it’s hard when we see people who had the same start as us but it’s more important to live our lives as best we can. I see you as an achiever and though your path has been different to some, I am inspired by you. Keep being you hon

💜💛

[FloatingFeather]

Sorry to hear you sounding down @Judi9877. After reading your post the one thing that I was thinking is everyone's definition of success is different. Maybe for some people success if a $900,000 home and for others success is battling their mental health on a daily basis. 

A close family member of mine has bipolar (diagnosed 20 years) ago. I know his struggles and what he goes through on a daily basis. I am more impressed with his success than many other people I know that society perhaps would consider `successful'. 

I have learnt over the years the only person we should be in competition with is ourselves - worrying about what anyone else is doing is not relevant to you as only you have walked this path.

You should be proud of yourself @Judi9877 and you should give yourself way more credit 🙂

Big hugs,

FloatingFeather

[SmilingGecko]

Like IQ tests and many other aptitude tests things get skewed in favor of the culture in which we live.  Its unfair to suggest someone with major impairments should be able to achieve the things that society designates as successful.   But for me success is about overcoming obstacles.  Just think about those lovely blankets you knit for people that society would be considered outcasts.  The kind of people that society has forgotten about. The love in your heart, the outpouring from which goes into your creations! We live in such a competitive culture.  Yet in todays world the cracks are easy to fall through.  I live near a well heeled suburb and when the world wide economic crash happened there was domestic violence and all kinds violence in those areas as families struggled to pay mortgages. Behind a seemingly well off charade there was all kinds of hidden abuses, assaults and more serious crimes.  You don't know what goes on in those homes.  Just remember you are a nice person @Judi9877 and your care is genuine, you have feeling empathy and kindness when it comes to looking after friends and others in your life.  Your mental illness has taught you compassion and caring.  You are a loving and highly creative individual who is willing to make sacrifices to donate to charity when few people would be even bothered to care.  I bet you could write a whole page of things about your unique and positive characteristics and read them to yourself when you feel down.  With the changes in the world now the poles are shifting and people are beginning to question their values, its a slow change but it would be nice if we lived in a culture that actually genuinely puts people first over anything else.