Getting Angrier

[HamBone]

I’m not sure how this can help but I need to vent and possibly get advice. It feels like it’s in the weather but I’m getting angrier. I’m Bi Polar and my mood stabilisers have been working pretty well since February but now I’m getting angry. The people at the dog park told me not to come back. I’ve had a few conflicts at work. My psychiatrist all of a sudden isn’t seeing anyone for now. My ‘friends’ don’t really want to chat. I get that I’m a bit of an asshole but I’ve still got a lot to offer. I’m still making people laugh, I still like to make people feel good about themselves. I love to compliment. I love going the extra mile at work. But I pick fights. I gravitate towards conflict. I’m going to end up in trouble. The mood stabilisers have slowed my thoughts down a lot, but the viscous fantasy’s I have when angry are getting bad. I’d like to just think peacefully at all times, but it’s going the other way. I’m really nervous my story is going to end badly. Should I present to the government psychiatrist to see if my meds need adjusting? I was prescribed 3 and take 1. I stopped taking the 2 others so I had a chance at working and I don’t think I could have got my job with all 3. But now I’m thinking I might need more sedation. It’s such a tough balance to figure out. 

[lighthouse22]

Hey there

I can totally relate. I've been raging for as long as I remember. EMDR therapy has quietened it down a lot in conjunction with medication. I have Bi Polar 1.

You are right, there are links to the weather so with every new season best to be on the lookout for changes and look ahead to make tweaks to avoid tricky situations.

I think you need to trust your gut on your medications. Seek help, get it sorted. Look after yourself. Only you know how you feel.

Everyone does awful stuff and everyone is going through something. I'm sure you don't do it on purpose. Is there a recurring theme? Could you seek professional help if there is?

Look after yourself, I know the shame of the wake of rage. I resonate with you, you are a wonderful person. This is not a reflection of who you are. 

Be kind to yourself.

[ArraDreaming]

Hey @HamBone you sound a lot like me minus the meds

Sorry your going through this I hope one day the good days outweigh the bad like me at the moment

I’m having more days in the green and the more positive interactions I have and relationships I build the more green days, but I had to start really low

It was about building up my tolerance and trust in others and also knowing this takes a lot of time

There are people even on here for example that I have spent time butting heads with, but just only now am I starting to have some more appropriate conversations but it has taken time

I can fly off the handle but I limit it at physical and verbal abuse towards my family, i vent here and work through strategies here to prevent me from losing it in real life. 
Losing it has never gotten me very far 

[HamBone]

Hey @lighthouse22 thanks for the kind words. I just looked into EMDR and it sings to me. I think this will definitely become part of my life in the near future. My wife told me to try a new dog park to avoid the Bully’s at my regular park. I got into a screaming match last visit and I think I just look like an out of control lunatic when this happens. Today’s new park was great. Turned my day from an anxious day thinking about returning to the scene of the drama to a good day visiting a new park and meeting some cool new people and their dogs. My anger is getting worse. It builds and builds. Each episode is kinda of worst than the last. Before I was diagnosed as having BiPolar last year I had a mini siege at the post office. That resulted in police at my door and my dog nearly got shot. Then I started having fantasies of running at the police. I’d visit the police station looking for trouble but a very lovely constable trained in mental health identified that I was going through something and she called an ambulance without me knowing and then persuaded me to take a ride. I did this and this all resulted to me having a week long stay while they got meds right and me accepting my diagnosis which wasn’t really hard because I knew something was very off. Anyways. I’ve been pretty chill since February. Blessed even because I’ve got a great job. And  I’m a member on a few Facebook groups that suggest I’m actually a lucky ‘victim’ of bipolar. Most seem to do it really tough. Anyways, I’m lucky because I’m never shy to ask for help. Getting it is sometimes the hard part. I’m trying to get appointments with my past psychologist. If that fails I think I’ll try and present to the government acute care team. How long since you were diagnosed @lighthouse22 ?

[HamBone]

Hi @ArraDreaming yea im definitely having more good days than bad and more good times in a day than bad times. I guess the good times are relaxed and civil and constructive and relaxed. But when it kicks off for me it kinda explodes. I’m explosive. I quit everything last December. No more nicotine, no more booze and my love, no more Mary Jane. She was my chill but after 3 decades I had to bid her farewell. I’m also ADHD so I know why she was my goto. But now knowing what I know about my brain and my condition it was going to do more harm than good moving forward. So the writing was on the wall and I had to quit all. And now….now I really have no chill. But I’ll find it. I just hope it’s sooner than later. Are you BiPolar @ArraDreaming ? 

[ArraDreaming]

Props to you for cutting all that stuff off… I’m still working on it here
Knowing about your brain how it works is huge cause how can we make change if we don’t even know how we function

No I don’t have bipolar, other things but not bipolar I don’t think anyway @HamBone

[Tilz]

Hi @HamBone , How are you feeling now?? can i know what makes you angrier? is it others behavior or their words? or anything else?

[HamBone]

Hi @Tilz , Right now I feel pretty good. I had a good walk in the new dog park. Met some cool people. I'm about to get ready for my job. I like my job, I manage a nice hotel over night. I'm in a good head space. I think what really gets me is injustice. When people do the wrong thing by me. Say the wrong thing to me. When people don't use their heads. When people try and bully me. I'm a pretty smart guy and I'm a lot of a smart ass. I have a lot of life experience. I have a high IQ. I have a lighting fast thought process and I have nearly zero filters. When it comes into my head, It comes out my mouth. I guess most people to me come across as dumb and because I'm the way I am, I just want to put them in their place. This leads to a lot of conflict. Anyone that knows me personally knows I'm a lovely guy. I love a laugh, I love to make people laugh. I always have 3 or 4 punchlines in my head and I pick the funniest. It's always been like that. But lately I'm just descending further and further into a big d**khead. I'm a nuisance. A public enemy so to speak. I know I can do better, I do for a while and then a massive road block like a post office siege, or a full blown argument with 6 old people in the park, a screamimng match with the police at the station, walking off without paying for petrol because the discount voucher wouldn't scan. Just a lot of drama and poor decisions leading to lot of conflict. Lately my conflict resolution has been non existent. Like I said, I know I can do better. I have a loving family. They support me. They are all worried for me because I'm nearly 50 and I was only diagnosed as having Bi Polar at 47. It's not new that I'm a wild child. Hiding in bushes and HypoMania is new. Staying up for 3 days with no sleep was new. So everyone on my team is worried and no one more than me. I still think I can do great things in my life. But I'm nervous the way I'm going it's going to end badly.

[lighthouse22]

Hey @HamBone 

EMDR kept me alive and has me thriving now (most days). I hope you see that through. It is solid. Great to hear you moved circles with the dog!! Sometimes that's all it takes 🙂 So many unsafe people about and when you find compassionate and kind ones you wonder what was that all about....?

Diagnosed in 2018. First mania was when I was 20+ that's about 25 years ago. My family shun mental health (and to this very day) so everything was always swept under the rug and the shame piled on. Fortunately, I have a team of "safe people" now. They are all professionals. My circle of friends has been non-existent because in therapy you start to work things out and need to make decisions to protect yourself. That's been the hardest of roads. Fortunately, I ended the cycle of DV and I have my kids full-time and every day I am determined to heal. In the last few months, things are really good. I have made a few true friends but still its like I have some big dark secret. A few situations have happened with my ptsd and again I have found myself amongst people who rule their lives with defensiveness and shifting shame instead of understanding. Its confusing. I discuss anything in this realm with trepidation.

Self-medicating started at 14. Mostly everything. By 40 I put it all behind. I gave up alcolhol for the last 18 months. I just started allowing myself the occasional social drink in the last month because I know I am at a place where I am not going to be angry, violent, explosive. The EMDR unlocks the trauma, repressed rage etc in the body. Its mind blowing. And a lot of the time that rage belongs to somebody else 😉 We just get caught as vessels.

I've been volunteering with a horse riding school, its one of my passions. That really woke me up to my abilities and provided an equal level of calm and power to my self-worth. I'm rebuilding. I'm rebuilding me. I'm repairing with my children. They have a therapist of their own and we are all healing together everyday.

Last week, I started a Uni course for Tertiary Studies to be eligible to study a degree to become a social worker or an equine therapist. This has boosted my confidence greatly and also helps with the isolation.

I hope this forum is another avenue to connect with like minded people and to come out of the cave into a safe space. Sadly, there really aren't that many spaces for some of us.

[ArraDreaming]

@HamBone
How are things going

I just wanted to go back a step cause you mentioned being able to cut out substances and having adhd which meant you found them helpful and I was wondering what your motivator for that was?

I have adhd as well and use all of those things, I have cut back on smokes pretty significantly (the ones with and without the devils lettuce)
and family has been my motivator for that, having little ones and the thought of being even a little bit under the influence around my kids gives me the heebies not that I ever did this becsuse I do have a level of control was the thought in my head of rocking my baby to sleep while affected was enough to send a shudder down my back and convince me to pull it back
I drink a bit still but keep the other stuff for stressful times just not regular like in the past
Interested to know what your motivation was when you knew it was helpful to cope but also knew it had to go…