Hi, I'm 18 years old and have been struggling with really bad depression, OCD, severe social anxiety and suicide ideation. I am on a large dose of antidepressants.
A lot of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts come from hating my body. I don't understand why I look so disgusting compared to other people. I spend most of my day just scrutinizing parts of my body, checking in the mirror and ruminating why I couldn't have just been born a pretty person, or at least an average looking person. I am so ashamed that I get anxiety walking past a mirror and have my whole day in a nauseous and irritable state when I catch myself at a bad angle. I don't understand how I can look so disgusting, I don't feel human or like I deserve to even go outside sometimes. I feel like puking when I look at myself and feel so envious looking at other people. Every time I'm in public I feel like people are staring at my body and judging me. I don't go outside anymore and have missed a lot of days of the past school year. I don't go out with my friends because I'm scared they see me as ugly and gross.
I have told my pyschiatrist and psychologist about this and they keep mentioning body dysmorphia, but it's really hard for me to believe that. It would make me happy if it was body dysmorphia because then that would mean that I actually don't look this disgusting. But I don't believe that because throughout my childhood my family members and even friends have commented on my appearance a lot. So I just don't understand how what I see is warped when I have already had multiple people make these observations. The comments I just can't forget and that are causing me so much distress are:
- You have elephant legs (my grandparents)
- Why do your feet point outwards when you stand (my mum)
- You are overweight for your age and need to eat less (my mum)
- Wow why do you weigh so much, that is not normal (my mum)
- You're so tubby (a friend)
- You have chubby thighs (another friend)
- You don't have a good figure (grandparents)
- Your neck is short (grandparents)
- Your ribcage is wide (grandparents)
- I feel like the heaviest person on this boat is you (a girl at camp)
When I think of them I feel like I can't breathe and I just don't understand why people would say those things to me. It makes me feel like people hate me because of how I look.
On top of that, I feel like I'm also not a remarkable person by any means, so I don't understand why I'm here. I don't have any good achievements and I don't have anything else to compensate for that. I don't have anything to add to anything and I feel like some sort of tumour just in my family and in the world.
I just find it really hard to find a reason to continue and struggling with more frequent fantasizing of ending it because I don't really feel like I'm getting any satisfaction or joy out of life. I feel like just dying would make everything easier because I have been feeling this way for so long and it's not getting any easier despite the small steps I try to take every day
