Jealousy and insecurity

[romanempress]

I am in a relationship, almost 12 months. It's mostly wonderful. The emotional and physical connection is extremely strong.

He has made mistakes, which has impacted trust. But my jealousy existed before this. 

I ruminate a lot and have intrusive thoughts and dreams of him leaving me or cheating. I'm so used to this but I realised today it's so unhealthy and exhausting.

I'm looking forward to starting the guided program but I've done therapy before and while I've improved a lot, I still have problems. I'm in my early 40s and this persistent insecurity is really disappointing. 

I'm considering if I have BPD. Certainly have risk factors. Will have to see a psych again 

[MJG017]

@romanempress 

While not advice as such, i grew up with very bad insecurity and trust issues. Stemming from i what i recently discovered to be attachment issues, most likely from before i was even born.

These issues can be so difficult for anyone to overcome, especially if the develop so young.  Im not sure if this is the case with you, but it seems very common that these issues develop in childhood.

I sort of look at it now as learning your native language when you're very young.  That becomes the language you feel the most comfotable with and how you think.  With time and effort, you can learn another language but that first language will always be there.  I see it like this for the types of issues.  We can learn to think another way, but those issues will probably always be there.  The trick is to learn a new way of thinking and become less and less reliant on the old way.  Acknowledging this can help to know why we think certain ways, but also know why we do.  Then slowly learn to reject those thoughts more easily.

[romanempress]

Thank you @MJG017 

I agree, it does stem from childhood. 

My partner says I change my mind a lot from being happy with him and then not. 

It's hard to hear but I know its true

[MJG017]

@romanempress 

My partner has never given me reason to not trust her completely, but it's still a big issue I have. I know that it does affect our relationship and feeds into her own insecurities.  So we've both found it helpful to talk about it.  About my past and why I have these trust issues and that it's nothing to do with her, but life long issues I have with everyone.  I've told her about how I've found insecure attachment styles explains so much about why I am the way I am and that has helped her to understand a lot.  It helps that she has her own similar issues, not as severe as mine, but enough to have a good understanding.

The past couple of years have brought a serious health issue and because of that I struggle a lot with it and can get quite frustrated and snappy at times.  From talking about the trust issues with each other, we were also able to talk about my frustration at life in general and how it had nothing to do with anything she was doing or not doing, but just my way of trying to navigate a difficult situation.  It's been very helpful for us to talk about these things so that we both know the best ways to support each other and how much of it is nothing to do with the other person.  It also takes a lot of pressure off of both of us to feel more comfortable in not having to pretend so much that these issues don't exist and trying to hide them and/or always feeling the need to apologise for them.

[romanempress]

My partner has hidden information about two of his female friends (one is an ex) having crushes on him. He didn't tell me because he'd avoidant but it's also dishonest. I've given him the benefit of the doubt and forgiven this breach of trust.

It nags at me but I'm working on letting go and moving on. I don't believe he has cheated, it's more of an omission