Worst year of my life

[Elusive_fairy]

I just really don’t know how to find the energy to continue on. Posting here as I don’t have friends to vent to. Here’s how my 2024 is going!!

i have spent all year trying to heal my CPTSD following a near suicide attempt. Have attempted twice previously. I was forced to move out of my home late last year due to an abusive housemate, and been on a downward spiral since moving back with a parent. Spent all my money I worked so hard to save, on therapy. It’s so expensive and I can’t even see my EMDR therapist often enough. Been in therapy all my life and tried 20 or so different meds. Praying cbd oil helps.

Got super addicted to weed after mostly giving up alcohol. It stopped helping and I became agoraphobic. I’ve dissociated most of this year. Tapered off the weed and stopped self medicating for the first time in like 10 years. 

My best friend of 6 years dropped me after triggering me. A former close friend took his life. One of my clients at my disability day program job, who I cared for dearly for years, died suddenly 2 weeks after that.

I’ve honestly had zero support from anyone but my partner, and I don’t want to continue burdening him. Every single time I think I’m getting stable, I go back to trying not to end it all myself because something else will traumatise me. To top it all off, emdr brought up the worst pain I’ve felt in my life regarding family. My brother is severely disabled and deteriorating for years with a genetic disease. My dad nearly died from cancer 2 years ago. I don’t know why I’m still going because no one will read this far. All I look forward to is death because there is no joy in anything. I’m 26 and don’t want to go on another year feeling like this

[Captain24]

Welcome to the forums @Elusive_fairy 

It sounds like you have been through a lot. 

Well done on sharing your story. It can be quite difficult and confronting.

Give yourself credit for being able to keep going through so much adversity. 

It is so expensive to receive MH care. Do you have a MH care plan from your GP? It only subsides 10 appointments but at least it something.

Oh and I did read to the end. 

[MJG017]

I'm so sorry to hear about your year so far @Elusive_fairy, it obviously has been extremely difficult.  If anyone had a year like that, I dare say any of us would describe it in the same way as you have.  Cutting back the weed shows a lot of strength in your situation so try to focus on that to stay strong and fight towards better times.  There are people who are more that happy to listen to your story and want to help, even if it's just to listen.

I can relate to only having a partner for support and not wanting to dump everything on them.  I was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer almost two years ago and she has been my only support through most of it but I'm still hesitant to dump everything i'm struggling with on her because I feel like I've put her through so much already.  It's like she has to play the role of partner, friends, and family for me so I'm always conscious of not dumping too much on her.

The feeling of no joy in anything anymore is also something I can strongly identify with, especially since last December.  I struggle with this, but those moments do happen, and I try to focus on them and try to do things which may lead to more of them.  It's not always easy by any means but I think it important to keep in mind that things can always get better and try to work towards that.  Sharing your story here is a great start to trying to make things better for yourself, and i'm sure others here, like me, will read to the end and want to help and support you.

As Captain24 suggested, maybe a mental health care plan may help with it's 10 subsidised visits may help you.  My GP put me on these a few months ago, and yeah, 10 isn't a lot and it's not completely free, but I do find it helps a lot just to have an extra person to talk to.  There are also support lines you could call if you haven't already such as Lifeline (13 11 14), Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636).

So I can tell from reading your post how difficult it is for you and how much pain you're in but like your post here, continue to reach out and get some support and remember that things wont always feel like this and can get better.

I sincerely wish you all the strength in the world to get through this and remind you that you're not alone.  Although I know it doesn't feel like it at times, there are people out there who care and who really want to help.  Take good care of yourself, you definitely deserve a bit of that joy back in your life.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Elusive_fairy 

when I was 26 there were a lot of sudden deaths. It’s brutal and definitely not the typical age to have to cope with so much. It did scar me for life but I have had a lot of time to lick my wounds and take stock.  Somehow I am still here.

Good on you for working and caring in the disability field.

Paying for therapy was a major priority since then and still is. I have met some doozies but in the end it has been my commitment to therapy that matters. It is only recently I feel like I have enough support. Do what you have to do to survive and thrive. 

[Elusive_fairy]

Thank you.
I do have a MHCP and just renewed it.

[dehaha]

Hi @Elusive_fairy . 

I am so very sorry to hear that you are having such a traumatic time.  

While I have never walked in your shoes,  I can relate to some of what you are feeling.  

Due to my own mental health issues,  I have found myself with a zero support system.  Due to social anxiety and agoraphobia,  I have not been able to make friends.  I have also been hospitalised early this year for my third suicide attempt.  

I lost my husband to suicide 10 years ago and have since then,  also lost a daughter- in - law and my daughters best friend to suicide.  I also have a terminally ill parent ( the only parent I have ever had). I live in share housing and spend the majority of my life in my room. 

Some things that have helped me,  which might be worth a try are : 

Finding one thing a day to be grateful for.  It could be anything.  Such as a really comfy pillow or my internet working well.

Every few days or whenever I'm in the mood,  I write in a journal.  Silly things or how I'm feeling or an accomplishment. 

I have also found these forums very helpful.  They help me have human communication and feel heard. Even if it's only a couple of times a week.

You deserve to be here and you are worth any help you can get to help you through this very rough period of your life.  You have more inner strength and resilience than you know.  

You might also find some of the online sites helpful such as Sane ( live chat ) , Beyond Blue,  MindSpot and Mood Gym.

Hope you are doing OK right now and are able to get the outside support you are after. 

[Elusive_fairy]

@MJG017 really scared myself last night, it really felt like I’m not meant to be here for a long time. I’m ashamed for being suicidal in front of my partner and scaring him as well. Life feels like constant shame and fear sometimes. All because I was supposed to have online therapy on Friday, but it didn’t happen due to technological issues and I ended up wasting a lot of money, when it wasn’t even my fault.

[MJG017]

@Elusive_fairyI think the fact you were really scared about how you felt last night is a good sign that you are trying your best to get into a better place mentally.  Technical issues happen.  That's the problem with online appointments, they're convenient but can go wrong due to any number of reasons.  I worked in IT for 25 years and these technical issues can happen to any of us, so please don't take it as any kind of sign.  The wasted money on the appointment is a huge pain though, it would have been nice for them to be a bit more understanding as you didn't get to actually have the appointment.  Maybe if future appointments have to be remote, then a normal phone appointment may be an idea... less things to potentially go wrong.

Please don't ever feel ashamed for having these feelings.  It's far more common than any of us would like to believe so think of it like any other medical condition that you just need some help with.  I'm sure your partner was scared, but also that he just wants to help and support you, so it's helpful for you both that he knows how much you are struggling and so you can both work together, and support you through this very tough time in your life.  It's important than you remember just that... it's a time in your life, not your whole life, you can get through this and hopefully have many more decades where this year is just a bad memory, but one that made you stronger and more confident by overcoming it.  We all need help at times in our life so please try not to make things even harder on yourself by feeling ashamed or that you're doing something wrong.  I think very few people would be able to get through a situation like yours with some external support and you are reaching out wherever you can to get it... barring technical issues getting in the way, so keep focusing on getting that support and getting into a better place.  And remember, you're not alone in this.

[oceangirl]

Hi @Elusive_fairy 

Welcome to the forum

I hear you and thank you for sharing your story. 

I will respond a bit later today or tomorrow.

Keep your chin up. Do the things you enjoy and practice good self-care and boundaries. You're enough

[oceangirl]

@Elusive_fairy 

Hope you find the forum helpful and supportive. 

You seem to have been through a lot in your life and your history is weighing you down. Have you thought about what type and help and support you need? Have you thought about going into a private clinic to get some extra support? 

I went into a private clinic in Sydney, and it really helped me. Its on the Northern Beaches (SPP). Its not for everyone though. It might be, a put of contact, to ask for different supports, and resources. There could other clinics that might be able to help as well. 

In terms of your partner, I am sure he wants to help you as much as possible. You can also come here and connect with the community here. Do you have something that you enjoy doing? Having structure in your day might help as well. Have you thought about volunteering or hobbies? Career? Study?

Take baby steps in creating a life that you want and keep working on that. You're still very young and can turn your life around. Make sure you surround yourself with good people. You're enough and please never give up. Keep walking forward and start by taking action and seeking the help and support you need. But just remember the only person you really need is yourself (be your own best friend and don't settle for less from others). Hope this helps a little