TW: I attempted suicide and I'm pretty sure it ruined my relationship

[hec]

Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt

On Thursday, I tried to commit suicide. It was a very serious, very lethal attempt. After being reported missing, I was found by police in a motel who transported me to hospital. 

This happened after having a several-week long episode of intense mood swings, depression, anxiety, dissociation. Not really sure what triggered it. I had tried relentlessly to access some kind of actual help (nurse on call and other helplines are nice, but they don't actually do much to help). I was told repeatedly that I had to wait weeks to actually see someone, and I knew I couldn't hold on for that long. I couldn't access any help, I was desperate, and a switch flipped in my brain. I went from self-preservation to resignation. I felt so peaceful and relaxed and happy when I knew that I was going to end my life.

My partner was really supportive until today, when he indicated he had some qualms and I pushed him to tell me. It's clear that he resents me for what I put him through. He's (very reasonably) mad that I didn't go to him for help, and that I told my brother I was going to his house when I was actually going to a motel to end my life, and that he spent hours distressed and anxious because he didn't know where I was. I'm not sure whether he recognises that it was a genuine attempt to end my life or if he considers it more of an attention-seeking "stunt" (his words). 

I don't know if he will forgive me and I don't know if our relationship is salvageable if he feels so angry towards me. I don't blame him. I just feel so miserable about this whole situation. 

[Jynx]

@hec I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, both in terms of your recent attempt and the tension it has caused in your relationship. No one deserves to have their very real pain reduced to merely an 'attention-seeking' behaviour. And besides that, 'attention-seeking' to my mind is so demonised as a concept - we're human, and when we're really suffering, why shouldn't we be seeking attention? 

But I digress, I also wanted to just say that suicide is incredibly impactful on everyone it touches, so whilst his reaction is perhaps hurtful, it is also understandable to a degree - as you say yourself, it is reasonable that he is upset. Since this is all so recent, it is possible that this is merely his initial reaction, based on shock, fear, and as a result, anger. However, with time and support, he may be able to form a more considered response once he has had time to process everything. Does he have any mental health support? You could always encourage him to reach out to talk about his feelings with someone who is outside of the situation, where he might be able to vent and process without it negatively impacting you - especially because I imagine you have your own emotional processing to do too. 

We helped launch the Better Off With You campaign a couple years ago - it could be a good resource for both of you to have a look through. I am also going to flick you a quick check in email soon, so keep an eye out. 

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @hec I feel really strongly about your post and I am very sorry you've been through so much distress. Suicide is a complex subject and people surrounding the person don't necessarily understand. I also can see that your partners reaction has been added to the mix.  I would follow up on @Jynx's suggestions so you can get supports in place. I know you must be panicking about your partner and his approach to this problem but with the right information you can have him on board. I don't think people understand the extent of suffering people with MI experience. They can be close to you but never "get it". Right now you are trying to recover and its my wish for you that you are adequately supported and shown love, understanding and compassion.  Sometimes putting up with an unbearable situation can make someone just snap and resort to drastic measures. MI is a huge encumbrance and is hard to manage and live with. I've honestly thought there must be an award grated to those living with MI for so long. Like a lifetime achievement award or something. You've made it through, just be kind to yourself and make it gently through the coming days. I hope with each day you feel better and more recovered.  There are always good things to live for and I hope your life is speckled with greater happiness for you and every good thing. Stay strong! ❤️