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[MedicalMystery]

My suicidal thoughts are becoming more strong and I’m becoming more tired. I’ve stopped journaling, I’ve stopped reaching out to Psych Triage, I’ve stopped taking medication and I’ve stopped sleeping. I’m a kinder teacher and I still manage to drag myself to work and put on a fake persona but the moment I’m home it becomes overwhelming. I reached out to my social worker who held a safe space for me to cry on the phone today during my lunch break, but that was about it. I’m honestly losing seeing the point in life.

[Jynx]

Hey @MedicalMystery I'm really sorry to hear that the SI has gotten so overwhelming for you. It's a heavy thing to have to sit with, and made more difficult by the fact that so few people are open to talking about it. With the extra energy required to mask and put on a brave face, to keep distracted and occupied... it's no wonder you're feeling burnt out from it all. Have things been this dark for you before? Are you worried or thinking about acting on the thoughts?

Do you have much luck contacting crisis services when you're in need of some immediate support? Could be something to keep in mind as an option, here's a lil list:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

Samaritans: 135 247

SANE also have a support line (1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm), if it's not quite at crisis level but you're still needing to chat to someone, give em a buzz. And if you haven't already, you could always apply to SANE's Guided Service for some ongoing telehealth support.

I'm glad you've got a good support worker who will hold that space for you. We're here for you in this journey as well 💜

[MedicalMystery]

Thanks! I’ve had a bad experience with the psych triage last week where they said “you’re having a bad day, you won’t act on your SI, so we can’t help you”, so I struggle to reach out because I feel like I’m a burden on the system 😭

[Jynx]

Ugh @MedicalMystery once again, the ability to provide support is impacted by MH policy bs. This idea that someone must be on the brink of suicide to be able to receive support. That's so invalidating for you, I'm sorry to hear it. But please also remember, the reason the MH system exists at all is to support folks, it doesn't matter how severe or 'high risk' you are or not, you don't deserve to go through this alone. Humans are social creatures by nature, none of us are supposed to be able to do everything independently! You accessing support services does not somehow take that support away from others. You are not a burden for needing support from services designed entirely around providing that support. 

[MJG017]

Hi @MedicalMystery, it sounds like an extremely difficult situation.  I know that fake persona well!  It's like a switch you learn to just turn on and off.  As Jynx suggested, you could try calling those crisis/support numbers, hopefully you would find them more helpful than the psych triage.

I'm new to seeing psychologists myself, only about 8 or 9 months for me now, but in that time and talking to other people who have used them for far longer than I have, I've learnt that some are better fits than others, and sometimes you just have to find one that works for you.

About six months ago, I lost a lot of motivation to do anything I used to enjoy.  I had to force myself to start doing things at home that I enjoyed and found that once I started, even with just small things, it led to me feeling up to doing a little more.  It wasn't easy because things always felt far worse while at home alone.  I'm not say it solved everything, but it did help improved things and gave me the strength and motivation to try a little more.  Maybe promising yourself to do the journaling again if you found it helpful before.

I really hope you can find what it is for you that gives you that extra strength to keep fighting through this... whether its those helplines, just sharing your thoughts here, or whatever else you find helps you and start seeing that light in the darkness.  It's there, you just have to find it.  Take good care of yourself and try to focus on how quickly things can get better when you're down this low. 

[MedicalMystery]

thank you. I just feel incredibly guilty for reaching out which sucks. I even apologised to my social worker today as I reached out to her for an unscheduled chat 😂

[Jynx]

I used to struggle with that guilt all the time @MedicalMystery it's super tough. Especially because the feeling does come from a good place! It demonstrates that you care about others and don't want them to suffer unnecessarily. Can feel really backwards to then try to suppress or contradict something when it conflicts with our core values.

I guess it can help to remember that there will always be someone who has it worse, just as there's always someone who has it better. You sacrificing your own need for support won't actually do anything to better their situation. And you do deserve support, for the simple fact that you're a human being 😉