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Kate12
Contributor

How to survive when walking on egg shells

Sorry reposting this msg because I forgot to click send replies to email.

 

Hi I have a question. I have a serious decision to make. I have survived (just) 30years with a bipolar Mum who past not long ago. It was a very traumatic childhood and adulthood being her carer. The same time my mother past and I thought I was finally free from the trauma. My husband had a mental breakdown and had a serious parinoid pyschotic episode. Was off work for a year. Has been doing better since but had a few mild relapses. He hasn't been consistent with his medication. Which has made me very angry because it's the same stuff I went through as a child because Mum had no self awareness. 
I want to be supportive but I don't know if my own mental health can cope with living wondering when the next episode will be.  It's a learnt behaviour from a very young age being hyper vigilant for my own protection wondering when Mum would be manic again. 
I don't want to live like this forever the anxiety I feel will crack me eventually. It's like PTSD I dont have to be in the traumatic situation but just the anxiety wondering is stressful. I'm just so broken hearted that just when I thought I was free MH came right back to me again and to my closest relationship. Maybe if it was a great marriage I would battle through it but it hasn't been the best over the 20years which makes it harder. But I have beautiful children that I don't want to hurt as well. 
Feel like I don't have anything left to give, my Mums MH sucked the life out of me and my husbands severe psychotic episode just tipped me over. I don't want to live this life surving forever. Any help would be appreciated. 

7 REPLIES 7

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

@Kate12  My heart goes out to you - well done for reaching out and sharing 

 

you have amazing insight into your situation and seems to me you are at a cross roads 

 

30 years is almost half a lifetime you have given to caring for your mother and it wasn't your choice to have a mother who had mental health challenges - yet you chose to care for her 

 

To continue staying with your husband is a choice - and I really think you are to be commended for carefully thinking through this choice and how it will impact you and your ability to live a fulfilling life and stay healthy yourself - physically , mentally , emotionally ... it will be you who lives and cares for him daily (not your children) - so this must be made with your wellbeing in mind 

 

you owe it to yourself to speak to a professional and satisfy yourself you are truly making a decision you can live with 

 

i encourage you to reach out to the Sane Helpline during their opening hours and have a chat - they are great to talk to as they are fully informed re challenges of mental health in relationships both in the carer and those with the conditions ... 

 

in the meantime feel free to post on the forums with @ then the member who you want to get a reply from then we know you have posted ... eg put @Sophie1 and then I will get a notification and can reply to you 

 

 

 

 

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

Thank you so much Sophie for your thoughtful  reply. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being dramatic and I just need to get over it and suck it up but your understanding into my situation has really helped, I really appreciate it. 

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

@Kate12  you are most welcome - and you are absolutely not alone xx

 

my life partner of 20++ years has Bipolar II depression and anxiety .. it is a choice to stay and love with and  live with all that entails .. however I have some non negotiable boundaries that make that workable for me ..

 

1. I have to love and like my partner and have joy in the relationship - want to come home to them .. feel loved and safe and valued;

2. my partner cannot physically verbally or psychologically abuse me - that is never ok and if that happens I leave ..

3.. and my partner must take full responsibility for their health and well-being and be actively pursuing to better their health mentally and physically and psychiatrically as much as they can - I told my partner the moment you actively choose to dwell in your illness and not seek any support or help or improvement I will leave.

 

the above is the core of my carer / partner code that works for me ...  

I have found it important from a self respect and self safety and self care to have formulated these and use them to guide me ..

 

maybe you have different non negotiables .. maybe you haven't articulated them before .. thought I'd just mention it as it helped me 

 

and also I have realised that our friends and parents and siblings and children  all have opinions on whether we ought to stay with and care for / love / live with our mentally ill partners for lack of a better expression .. HOWEVER ultimately they actually don't care that much not as much as you think - whether we stay or go affects us and our partner 100% of the time ... for others it is only a portion of their existence and doesn't impact them nearly as much as it impacts us and our partners ... so please please make this decision for YOU and according to YOUR non negotiables ... YOU MATTER 

 

ok serious talk done - just had to get that off my chest - it is really something I've learned the hard way 

May or may not resonate for you .. but thought of put it out there anyway 

 

hope you get some rest this weekend and take care of yourself and be gentle and kind with yourself 

 

sending carer hugs 🤗 🤗 🤗 

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

Thank you so much Sophie can't express how much reading your core values and boundaries has helped me. And yes you are absolutely I am realising especially as my kids are getting older that they will be gone soon living their own lives. I need to think what I can live with with and without them in my life. I will reach out to Sane counselling. 
A huge thank you for sharing your heart and life with me.y heart goes out to you in your situation I understand how hard your road must be at times. But your wisdom and values inspire me. 

I hope one day I can be that person on the other side cheering someone on like you have for me. 

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

Sorry for the typos 😂😉

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

You are most welcome @Kate12  - one step at a time and be gentle and kind to yourself xx

always here for a chat or questions or just a vent 🙂 

 

just tag me by including @Sophie1 

 

also you can check out my thread here Sharing my life with Ms Sophie (Bipolar II) 

Re: How to survive when walking on egg shells

Thank you. I will check it out. 😌
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