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impulse101
Casual Contributor

Getting worse by the day, need your help

Hello!

 

My name is Pat, and I'm not sure what my problem is. Some Psychiatrists say I'm Bipolar, some say I'm just depressed and anxious, and one said I have adult adhd whatever that is. I've tried a number of Psychiatrists and medications in the past but none of them seem to have made a significant effect on me so if anyone here can point me to the right direction, then I'd be greatful for the rest of my life.

 

My current and main concern is anxiety and panic attacks. I always feel like something terrible is bound to happen, like I'm always worried, nervous, and having occassional palpitations. I can't remember a time when I woke up relaxed and happy, and I can't remember having a good sleep either. I'm in a really bad shape at the moment, and the pandemic anxiety and losing my job just brought me up to a whole new level. Sleep deprivation create other health issues. Last month I had to deal with painful boils for 2 weeks and now I have multiple toothaches that are killing me and I can't get them treated because of my hypergag reflex and panic.

 

I wasn't always like this though. I was born a very happy and optimistic child, from toddlerhood till prep school I had a very good disposition, always smiling, carefree, smart and friendly. My life changed when I started getting bullied at school and by some kids in the neighborhood. My childhood can be likened to awful bullying scenes in movies (or even worse). I was picked on a lot, publicly shamed(in front of hundreds of people), often hungry because my lunch money taken from me, physically and emotionally battered etc. The abuse was just downright terrible and depressing. To add insult to injury, I didn't have friends to lean on to, not even now. The bullying lasted until high school, then almost a decade later I got bullied again in the workplace, I think that kind of triggered the 'clinical' mental illness that I have right now which started me on medications and getting professional help.

 

I'm 40 now, and I feel like life has passed me by. I wished I had friends and did more things in my life. I wish I had more success, and a decent level of self esteem and dignity. I wish everything went differently. Does anyone think that at my age, I can still have a chance at happiness and normalcy or even success? I'm unemployed, poor (but not broke) no friends, and no one who understands me and I'm a minority(asian, not even the chinese kind).

 

What should I do now? Does anyone have a tried and tested method to recover? Know a good Psychiatrist?

 

Thanks in advance.

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

Hi @impulse101, first off welcome to the forums! I'm Jynx, one of the moderators. Just wanted to pop in to offer some care and support Smiley Happy

 

I'm sure the amazing forum members will be able to help support you as well, and I hope you find what you're looking for in the community. Also just want to say that it is absolutely never too late to build the life that you want. It sounds like you've been through a lot of adversity, yet here you are still hopeful and looking for ways forward. And whilst there's no one tried and true method of recovery, one of the best first steps is self-awareness - e.g. you mentioned Bipolar and ADHD, maybe have a read through of these to see if anything resonates: 

Bipolar

ADHD

 

Glad to have you in the community! 

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

hi @impulse101
im so sorry to hear about the abuse, about the bullying and your traumas with little success at treatment.

Im wondering if you have spoken to a psychologist? while a psychiatrist is good for medications they arent as good as talking and helping you get through whats happening in your life or going through your traumas. would you be willing to speak to a trauma trained counsellor about your bullying. perhaps that might help you to move forward and to learn how to manage your anxiety, panic attacks and whatever else you may need too.

please feel free to also have a look around and join in wherever you like. a forum tip is to put an @ before a members name, this way they will recieve a notification that your talking to them


@eth @Sans911 @gem80 @Teej @Appleblossom @Maggie im wondering if you guys might be able to offer some advice too.

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

@impulse101  Another welcome from me.

 

I really am so sorry you have gone through so much bullying in your life.

 

I can only echo what @outlander  has suggested. Taking to a trauma counsellor has helped me work through some issues.

 

You can ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist.

 

Hopefully, some others have some other suggestions. In the meantime, we are listening.

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

Thank you all for the replies. Yes, I've tried doing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist tandem in the past.

 

I've done CBT, mindfulness exercises and what not. I don't mean to sound arrogant(or maybe I am), but it felt like I was just being told what I already know in those sessions. To be honest, nothing beat those few times when I did have some friends around. Feeling significiant, important and needed is far greater than any therapy session or drug out there. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to nurture and keep relationships, because as a person I'm as boring and dry as a desert, and I don't have much to contribute that will get me noticed or needed by a group. Eventually I end up being the wallflower, which hurts my feelings so I rage quit on everyone. It's always been this sad cycle my entire life. If it wasn't for my fear of death, pain, discomfort and hospitals, I would have ended my life decades ago.

 

@Jynx

@outlander

@Maggie

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

@impulse101 @Maggie @outlander @Jynx 

 

I'm jem80 on of the community guides.

It takes time to figure out how to manage panic attacks and where it stems from. I know for myself with panic attacks I had to figure out what personal issues that was contributing to it. It took time with my medical team to find some answers.

 

I echo the others with talking to a psychologist to help you with your horrible experiences of been bullied to help you start your road to recovery.

 

Have a look at this link from lifeline about panic attacks:

https://www.lifeline.org.au/static/uploads/files/panic-attacks-wfvmmxamhxoy.pdf


I often find a quiet place to relax and breathe and I drink some water to stay hydrated.

 

I have experienced boils myself, you need to see a GP (doctor) to get some topical cream to help soothe and repair them and possibly antibiotics to help the healing process.

 

I'm about your age and I live a happy and "normal" life. I do hobbies and interests that I love. I participate in community groups and have responsibilities in those groups. I work and I'm about to start study. I'm doing what I like and what I want.

 

 I once was sitting next to a nurse and said that I didn't have a normal life until she reminded me that like everyone else I have a job, I have my hobbies and I have a roof over my head. So I'm normal just like everyone else, the only difference is I do things differently to maintain my mental health. 

You too can have a normal happy life, however it takes time to recover. It doesn't matter how long you take, some of us take a little longer to get there, but we can.

 

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

Hi Pat. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Firstly, losing your job during the pandemic is a legitimate and very understandable stress and anxiety. It's not unusual to feel saddened by that. And MANY people also very understandably have anxiety about the pandemic! All you can do is follow all the health guidelines, like the rest of us. I'm concerned that you seem to be down on yourself for your ethnicity: that's not something you can do anything about (!) and EVERY background can be a source of pride in personal identity! What concerns me perhaps the most are your physical ills which suggest that you may be "run down" and not adequately taking care of yourself. Do you make sure you eat healthily? I'm sure your mouth problem could be managed by a good dentist who listens to your anxiety about treatment & your 'gag reflex'. You need to be getting good medical and dental advice. Ask people who THEY go to; who they recommend... keep trying till you find the right people to help YOU. Good luck! 

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

Hi @impulse101 Smiley Happy

 

I can relate to your post in many ways. I'm only a couple years behind you (in age), and I, too seem to keep singing to myself: "When Will My Life Begin?", like Rapunzel in Tangled.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've lost your job. You certainly aren't alone in that boat, so one can only imagine that there will be a huge interest in remedying the coronavirus unemployment wave and plenty of measures enacted for that purpose. Hopefully people like us might get caught up in that momentum?

 

Of course, with unemployment comes money worries; but I'm wondering how you are managing the absence of workplace socializing? Do you miss it? Or is the lack of other people actually a relief to your anxieties?

 

Given the history you describe, it's not much of a mystery why you suffer the anxieties you do. You've had a very harsh education about how horrible life - and other people - can be. When we get burned by sticking our hand on a glowing hot plate, it's hardly surprising that we begin to feel a bit anxious/cautious any time after that when we come in proximity to a glowing hot plate. Likewise, when we have a long history of arbitrarily being harmed while just by living our lives, it's no mystery why we begin to feel anxious when we're just going about our everyday life.

 

There's a push amongst a lot of patients/former patients of the mental health system to change the way the system treats patients. Right now, the system basically runs off a principal of asking "What's wrong with this patient?" A lot of people want this to change to "What's happened to this patient?"

 

I would certainly considder this to be an improvement. I spent 8 nightmarish years in the system and basically all I got for my trouble is to be told by 2 separate therapists to give up all hope of ever having a worthwhile life. Later, I learned that the "golden rule" of therapy is to not give your patients any actual help or advice.

 

I'm told that there are some good therapists out there, by former patients who credit them as lifesavers. But I also know from experience that there are sharks in the pool; so be careful about who's care you enter in to, and always make sure you leave yourself a way out if things get bad.

 

I wish I could offer you reassurance, but as I say, I can't light a beacon to show you the way to the promised land; I'm still staggering around in the dark looking for it myself.

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

I know a lot that may assist you

 

I research HEALTH 

 

 

Happy 18

Re: Getting worse by the day, need your help

Hey,

 

You will be ok. Just have faith in your ability to heal and you'll find everything will start to get better with time. 🙂

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