Lived Experience Forum

[Plantemotion]

Hey Blackpuppy,

I was literally diagnosed with BPD yesterday afternoon. I've been suffering for years, never seeking help until last year due to attempting to be in a relationship for the first time which I ended up destroying because I couldnt control myself (I'm very good at pushing people away to the point that if they don't leave, then I do).

I'd always just considered myself to be a shit person and that some people are just meant to be alone. I now for the first time have a name for what is happening to me. I can't exactly say there was a feeling of relief...I think it just made it all the more real, but atleast it has given me a starting point and my psyh also recommended DBT. But it's not for everyone. For some people a more unstructured treatment works better such as just talking pretty much about whatever comes into your mind. 

Anyways while it's not something I'd wish on anyone ever, it is nice to know there are others out there that understand. Alcoholics get AA Drug addicts get NA, what about mental illness support groups where you can meet others in person who understand like no one else will. Maybe they exist, I just havent found anything apart from online forums.

But no one in my life knows of my diagnosis, even my own family dont know I've been on antidepressants for over a year (That I still dont think have ever worked). They just think that I'm an alcoholic but I've convinced them it's under control. I even put myself into a detox clinic to prove it. I've found that you become very good at acting around those you care about. It is very much a lonely illness.

I hope you get the care that you need Blackpupy and everyone else out there that are doing it tough. I myself have a long way to go but maybe there is some hope.

xx

[FigBell0917]

Hi blackguppy 🙂 

Thank you for sharing your story below. I am the same age as you, 28, and I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with dissociation. I have no doubt there are others in this forum that can provide more advice than what I can but what I can say and overall I hope that it will help in some small manner is that I can relate to what you have said. I am the black sheep of my family (both sides) and unfortunately was exposed to severe domestic violence and in turn engaged in unhealthy relationships, with one most recently ending. 

I have no family and little friendship support, and you are right, many tend to have no idea where to look but one thing in terms of the small amount of friends that I have was to send them podcasts that I had found on BPD to give them a greater understanding and articles also. With my closest girlfriend, she has told me this has helped her the most. I personally struggle with the stigma associated with mental health conditions/disorders as at the end of the day we are still us and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. The perceptions others may hold is not a reflection of who you are as a person or as a mother. It is a reflection on them and their own characteristics. 

I have been thankful to find a great psychologist who specialises in DBT, and psychiatrist and have been able to get a mental health waiver applied to my health insurance to commence engaging in a DBT program at a private hospital this year. Would this be something you would be able to do? Or are you able to find a counsellor/psychologist that also specialises in DBT? There is also a DBT workbook you can possibly download for free if not certainly purchase that you may be able to work through to assist in the time being? 

I understand the recovery in a timely manner, I feel the same especially with what I do for work. I am yet to have my own family but I have two fur babies who I love more than life. These two keep me going each day. These are some things I have since found helpful:

- Each morning give my babies a kiss and a cuddle. 

- Have a hot shower in the morning and night. 

- When I feel low, anger, rage, or self harm I press the pressure point between my thumb and pointy finger and slowly release and then do this whilst breathing. If I can, I will put some music I like on until I calm down. 

- When I get home from work, I immediately take my dog for a walk (hail, rain or shine).

- Most nights before bed I spray a 'pillow spray' and write in a gratitude journal three things I am grateful for on that day. Some days I haven't had the capacity to do it but I try most nights. It seems silly but sometimes I will write today I am grateful to have woken up or to sit on the couch with my babies. I find this helps because it shows that there is positivity there even when sometimes you really do not feel that there is. 

- I found some YouTube channels that do yoga, and fitness workouts. I do these also as do not have the finances to purchase a gym membership.

- Again, seems silly but I picture a suitcase and I fill that suitcase with all the things that are making me feel unstable or making me feel angry. Once I can see that it is full with whatever I needed to be in it at that time I then throw the suitcase out in to the ocean and watch it drift away. It can go wherever you would like. 

- I also have a quote on my bathroom mirror which I read each morning.

I know these may not necessarily work for you but I do hope in the meantime that they can provide you with some small strategies or techniques which could be of benefit until you can get in to a DBT program. 

As hard as it is, do not beat yourself up, you are doing a wonderful. Remember you are a fabulous mother and have a little girl who adores and loves you and as long as she knows this and I am sure she does, she will conquer anything she wants because she has your support and love. 

Do not feel alone or misunderstood. Many here in the forum are here to help and support. 

Sending you strength and positivity girl! 🙂

[blackguppy]

@Plantemotion I got a knot in my tummy reading your post because I know how it feels word for word. You’re right, it’s lonely especially because you almost feel like you have to blame it on other things that are more understood?

I know once I took it in, It took a while still for me to feel the recovering wheels in motion. But yeah it makes you wonder like ok there’s aaaalll this support, help lines, dedicated help for other stuff but what about just really tough mental illness!? The days when we are frozen and at the

mercy of our brains? Or when we explode and we want to stop being so angry but it’s coming a freight train?

I hear you re relationships. I unfortunately find that as soon as the ‘I love you’s’ are exchanged and the reality of the relationship becoming more is getting closer, I shut it down so fast even if I know that what I’m doing is wrong. I had an on and off relationship with my daughter’s father where i didn’t  have the same commitment issues but That relationship was more abusive than any I’ve ever known so I’ve moved on for good..don’t get too caught up in blaming yourself for everything, You don’t need that kinda negativity in your life whether you had a hiccup or not. You’re obviously still a good person, you’re just in recovery. 

I’m studying psychology at the moment so I can hopefully make some kind of difference in the system at the other side

thank you for reaching out I’m sending a big hug your way x 

[blackguppy]

Hi @FigBell0917 

wow, your little routine is so lovely 🙂 I have a similar one with my cats and daughter in the mornings. Love the gratefulness practice too! I do a bit of yoga myself and I agree with you it unlocks good feelings. Have you ever heard of Yoga With Adriene on YouTube? She is amazing! 

The black sheep status both saddens and amuses me, these people really have no ability to look at themselves. I care a lot about people in my life so I’ve resorted to making my own family. I’m always going to be sad about certain things tho I’ve just accepted it is so.

thank you for all your lovely words, i will take them with me. The suitcase trick And the dbt workbook seem like great ideas for me 

love and light to you ❤️❤️❤️

[FigBell0917]

Hi blackguppy,

My apologises on my delayed reply to you. I have been away for work, and had a number of lows myself which I am yet to pull myself out of. I wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

I have heard of Yoga With Adriene and really enjoy her yoga workouts. Two others which I really enjoy are Baily Brown and Blogilates to mix up the routine.

I hope you are doing okay x

[Elis]

A few months ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I didn’t handle that too well and completely denied it and shutdown to my family, quit seeing my therapist. The psychiatrist was going to put me in as an inpatient the next day for the cognitive behavioural therapy etc. I freaked out and thought stuff it too it all that it would just be another bullshit thing that would not change a thing for me in the long run. I now have started to accept the diagnosis and I can’t stop wondering I wonder what life is really like, you know the life others get to live where they have a partner and lots of friends even a good job, they enjoy living. I have a few questions for yourself? 1)The cbt therapy is that just upgrading negative thoughts to positive? 2) what is Dialetic therapy? 3) why the name blackguppy? 

[light_heart]

Hey there Black Puppy,

Im also an 27 (very soon to be 28) yearold who has been very recently been diagnosed with BPD also..... dont worry mate your not alone 🙂